Unphotographable

This is a picture i did not take of the only place at my work frm which i can see a small patch of ocean. it used to lurk behind a dull shopping mall which has now been torn down to make way for a large apartment complex, behind which the patch will eventually disappear to be lost again from that window’s view. the patch is is always restless, always moving, always changing, yet always the same. it is grey on coudy days and blue on sunny days and generally reflects the mood of things outside and is the only thing i have during my 15 hour shift to remind me that there are more things on heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my workplace.

Singles only

1. Where is your cell phone? Counter
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Soft
3. Your hair? Jungle
4. Work? Constant
5. Your father? Goodfella
6. Your favorite thing? Twinkzilla
7. Your dream last night? Unmemorable
8. Your favorite drink? Coffee
9. Dream car? Hummer
10. The room you’re in? Workspace
11. Your pet? Melanie
12. Your fears? Loss
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Content
14. Where did you hang out last night? Work
15. What you’re not good at? Organizing
16. Eyebrow rings on the preferred sex? Urgh
17. One of your wish list items? Laptop
18. Where you grew up? Coimbatore
19. The last thing you did? Typed
20. What are you wearing? Uniform
21. What aren’t you wearing? Lingerie
22. The website GoofyAuctions.com (filled with eBay spoofs)? Uninteresting
23. Your computer? Essential
24. Your life? Stagnant
25. Your mood? Bored
26. Missing? Freedom
27. What are you thinking about right now? Multiverses
28. Your car? Imaginary
29. Your work? Numbing
30. Your summer? Indifferent
31. Your relationship status? Rollercoaster
32. Your favorite color? Black
33. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
34. Last time you cried? Skip
35. School? No

This is life, and everything’s alright

There is a kind of pure joy that comes from having a real conversation with someone you can be completely honest with, and not have to be judged or have to face consequences that are completely unfair for just having spoken your mind. and it is a rare joy, becos it only happens when the person you are conversing with also has the same faith and same expectations of you. im sure all of us have a million things that we think but cannot say, becos those things are innappropriate or becos we dont expect anyone to understand, at least not without completely misunderstanding the way we mean it or for countless other reasons. so we keep them behind doors that are closed, locked, sealed by fire and guarded by a cantankerous dragon. they’re little things but they tend to pile up and start to weigh on us, without us even realising that they are. maybe thats why we all get this feeling of discontentedness, even when we cant pin down why we feel so (do we,or is it just me?). or any of those negative feelings that creep up on us that we cant assign any cause to. in any case, that pure, rare joy – it hits you when you’re finally able to shush that dragon and kick that door in. and show someone around.

Maybe not fully, even, but at least let them get a glimpse of the foyer. its a start.

Speaking of life

Anantya says:
being an adult pretty much sucks

Desperado says:
no kidding.
i have this idea for a doped up philosophical character that always hangs arnd in the background, saying things like ” life …. is a giant vaccuum cleaner. sucking is what it does.”

Anantya says:
hahahaha
wat else could Life be like?
it’s like a Wrong Number call at 247am
it’s like parents coming home when u’re trying to squeeze in a make-out session

Desperado says:
or a 45 minute wait for a table only to be told that the kitchen is almost closing and all they have is cold soup
like a movie with the audio out of sync

Anantya says:
heehee

Desperado says:
life is like a toilet with the flush not working. the shit just keeps piling up.

Anantya says:
uhm
i wouldnt have used that one

Desperado says:
i know, but just felt appropriate just now

Anantya says:
life is like a pencil with all the lead inside already broken, u keep sharpening and it keeps breaking anyway

Desperado says:
haha

Anantya says:
GRR!
life is like NOT FINDING UR PEN COVER WHEN U’RE LOOKING ALL OVER FOR IT AND U HAD JUST PLACED IT DOWN 2 SECS AGO

Desperado says:
life is being hungry and feeling completely disinclined to eat anything in the house

Anantya says:
tts not life
thats being human

Desperado says:
life is being human
life is being forced to be human when we know we are much more than that

Anantya says:
i love that last one.
that’s the best one, atticus

The killing joke

what i love most about Batman is quotes like this:

“In my dream, the world had suffered a terrible disaster. A black haze shut out the sun, and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people. Suddenly, a small light glowed. A candle flickered into life, symbol of hope for millions. A single tiny candle, shining in the ugly dark. I laughed and blew it out.”

                                                                                                       – The Joker

The divinity of spaghetti

i’ve never wholly bought the whole god thing. it just seemed too much to be told to swallow the concept of an all-knowing, all-controlling, everywhere-present and overflowing-with-goodwill being just rolling around up there, watching the fun. i mean … who in their all-knowing, all-controlling goodwillingness would make fatal mistakes like george bush? things like that can only happen under circumtances of utter chaos, random chance and just plain bad luck. it seems much more believable to think that the universe and everything therein just happened becos at various points over billions of years, occasionally the right things happened to be at the right place under the right circumstances to form a sun/make a planet/evolve life, rather than one being doing all this within a week, just for kicks, and then wandering off to make other toys when this got boring.  everything wrong with the world makes so much more sense when the world itself is just a freak occurance.

but then, abt 2 years or so ago, i had this huge assignment for one of my courses. it wasnt even an essay or anything, it involved designing a huge event using a pain-in-in-the-ass project management software, and it took me literally months to do. and then when we were getting our assignments marked and handed back to us, i didnt get mine. and the prof, an individual with distasteful suspicion of everything, told me that he had never received mine and had i done it at all. in indignation, i went to check the university network where i had saved it so i cud print it out again and shove it in his sneering face. and it was all gone. erased. some kind of network maintenance work or something. i had also saved copies on my USB stick. i pulled it out of my bag and felt my blood pressure spike and an ice pick lodge itself between my eyes – it was in two. pieces.

last ditch effort, i had saved SOME of my assignment on a roommate’s laptop. and it had crashed. THE DAY BEFORE THEY HANDED THE ASSIGNMENT BACK!!

so in the end, i had to redo the entirely bitch of a project within 3 weeks, which of course i did a lousy job on and consequently got a lousy score on. but what pissed me off even more was the impeccable timing of it all.  i mean … i had done pretty much everything right. i did the assignment and handed it in on time. i saved it on the university network, which is supposedly untouchable, but somehow erased my files (which the techs told me was impossible, but there it was. or wasn’t). i saved a copy on my USB, which i had had for 2 years by then and didnt have a scratch on it, but somehow broke in two that day. and i saved some versions of the assignment on the laptop i was using at the time, becos my own comp had virus issues, which suddenly and inexplicably crashed just one day before i cud’ve used some of the stuff on it. in the words of Anantya herself, this indicated ”some level of cosmic screwing-over”. it had to be planned. by somebody.

but then still, this sort of thing just doesnt fit in with the traditional god, who is by all accounts, the sort of perfect being who expects u to be just like them, who wud make u want to strangle them if they had been human. whoever it was that had sabotaged my assignment obviously had a sense of humor and also seemed to work on an arguably looser moral code.

although its been a while since the whole assignment fiasco, i’ve never really gotten over it and have always been looking for answers, while still maintaining my staunch disbelief in any organized religion. and then, a couple of days back, when i was reading abt how some lunatics wanted inteligent design to be taught as science in public schools, i came across The Real Deal.

yes, my friends. i am now a Pastafarian. i believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His Noodly Goodness. and i invite you all to be touched by His Noodly Appendage.  And i know that some of you will be skeptical, but to help you Spagnostics understand our gospel better, i give you our Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts, which were given by our Complex Carbohydrate Deity to the Pirate Captain Mosey, while he was brooding on Mt. Salsa.

The Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts”

1. I’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2. I’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*******.
6. I’d really rather you didn’t build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
   1. Ending poverty
   2. Curing diseases
   3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
      I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8. I’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

and further, uniquely among all religions, we have photographic proof of our Noodly Creator. below is an image of His Noodly Appendage creating the First Man, who is inadvertantly exposing his own noodly appendage.

for further information, please consult the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or contact our Prophet Bobby Henderson. come, let us Pray to Pasta.

In praise of flushing

the day before yesterday, i spoke to someone i havent spoken to in a long time and she was really “tipsy” – her way of saying smashed – and it was hilarious cos she couldn’t stop laffing at everything i said frm ‘hello’ to “why does the toilet have so many handles’.

yesterday, i got a call frm someone with whom also communications have been relatively infrequent just minutes after i woke up, and she sounded happier than she’s been in ages and it was good to finally see good things happen to good ppl.

and today, i spoke to someone who just a year back, i was talking to for 2 to 4 hours everyday but havent been able to call for the last 7 or 8 months, and it was so great cos nothing had changed and it felt like we’d just spoken yesterday.

and since the last time i’ve blogged, a lot has happened. i’ve done something thats radically changed everything abt everything. Some things have become simpler, others have got more complicated. i’ve taken a vacation, my first proper one in abt 11 years and even if it was only for 2 days, the place and the company cudn’t be beaten. i’ve been hit with an unexpected $1000 bill for services not rendered which i’ve not paid and have stated my intention never to, but it all still hangs in the balance. i’ve lost a little weight and thats a bad thing. i’ve learned again that i’m not as non-judgemental as i think i am and also less willing to fess up to being wrong than i thought i was. i’ve found that there’s some situations where there’s more than one right thing to do, and doing any one of them is wrong by all the other ones and to not do any of them is just not possible practical. i’m still working 3 jobs but everything is slower now and doesn’t feel so bad. i still havent applied for my driving license. i cant use my shower cos when i do, water leaks frm the walls and the light fixture of the laundry area downstairs, so its been india-style baths out of a bucket, which is uncomfortable cos it involves crouching in a rather small bathtub but also sort of pleasant cos its a throwback to old times. i’ve found out exactly how much i have in debts and loans, and its a lot to knock off in the next 2 or 3 years. 

a lot is still chaotic and uncertain.

but im ok with it all.

i once said to someone ‘shit happens’ and they said back to me ‘flush it’.

indeed. here’s to flushing! 

The Cuteness

The Cuteness is a chubby little pirate who’s got my heart in a cage.

The Cuteness smiles like sunrays and laughs like glass chimes.

The Cuteness can make or break my day.

The Cuteness can cook really, really well.

The Cuteness is a baby – needs to be held and protected from everything.

The Cuteness is a DevilWoman – knows too much and knows how to use it.

The Cuteness is not a morning person.

The Cutness is cute when she throws a tantrum. sometimes.

The Cuteness has questionable taste in movies and terrible taste in guys, with notable exception of self.

The Cuteness owns 30 sets of work-out clothes and zero work out equipment or inclination.

The Cuteness will punish me for that one.

The Cuteness is a pleasure to hold.

The Cuteness gives the softest, most delicious kisses.

The Cuteness beats the emotional hell out of me by day,and binds my wounds by night.

The Cuteness is a tyrant and an angel.

The Cuteness is the greatest natural high.

The Cuteness has gorgeous deep brown hair and gorgeous deep brown eyes.

The Cuteness makes me brush my teeth before i go to bed.

The Cuteness likes old spice cologne.

The Cuteness has a facinating behind.

The Cuteness is my smile.

The Cuteness is mine.

Remember me now

for those who came in late, this kind of picks up frm anantya’s “Remember me not”.

___ 

“i wish i knew how to unmiss him” said the Creatress.

“unmiss whom?” i asked.

“i cant remember” She said, frowning “but he seems to be a persistent chap.”

“hmm … have u been messing around with memory potions again?”

“yes, i have”

“nice” i said, severely “now u know what its like to not remember cute ppl. well, u must have at least left urself a note or something, u wudnt do this to urself without giving urself some kind of clue.”

“aiyo get over it! it was just some bimbotic redhead that u were flirting around with, and i didnt like her”

“why?”

“cos she wudn’t flirt around with me”

“oh”

“but anyway yeah, i left myself a note but all i found was some tattered bits of paper with something abt erasing stars and beheading astrologers, i cant make any sense of it. that damn elephant chewed them up becos i took away his voice”

“is that why he’s yellow now?”

“yes, he hates yellow”

“i see”

“atticus …”

“yes?”

“about what u said earlier …” said Her Rulership, taking on a slightly inquisitorial air.

“which part?” 

“the part where u said now i know what its like to not remember cute ppl, when i’ve NOT MADE ANY MENTION OF THE MYSTERY CHAP’S CUTENESS!!”

“err … uhm … i have no idea what u mean” i said, mopping my brow and wringing the guilty sweat out of my handkerchief into an overflowing bucket.

“adei … what do u know that ur not telling me?” She said, with a quietness that left me standing in a puddle, although it wasnt raining.

“er .. ah … LOOK BEHIND U!!” i yelled and rapidly made my exit from the Grand Exhalted Hall, hearing the Supreme Ruler’s infuriated “ATTICUSSSSSSSS” as i slammed the door behind me.

the eleventh door on the eleventh floor, the eleventh door on the eleventh floor, the eleventh door … i had to reach it. if i had a chance of surviving the 52 foot Supreme Ruler who was now pursuing me with that infamous fury of a woman pissed off, it was that Room. 

i made it thru the Instavator door just ahead of a 6 inch stilletto which embedded itself in the wall a hairsbreath away my my ear, and the doors closed just in time to intercept the other one on its way to my forehead. “at least She cant fit in the …” was abt as far as i got into that thought, when the normal sized SR materialised, with a shining wooden ruler in each hand.

“SPILL IT BEFORE I COUNT TO FIVE, WITHOUT A SOUND, OR NO ONE’S GETTING OUT OF THIS INSTAVATOR”

“how can i spill it without a sound?” i asked meekly, while surreptitiously pressing the instant eleventh floor button.

“i dun wa ..”

and bingg! out into the eleventh floor. amazing what one can achieve, properly motivated. previous to my speedy exit of the Instavator, i wud have bet my bottom dollar that i cudnt beat a well-aimed frying pan to the corner, but i did. and there it was.

even as i opened the door, i cud hear those glinting rulers whizzing after me and as i slammed it shut, i felt the thunk! of them burying themserves in the door. right on the plaque that bore the the mysterious inscription - The Wiggle Room.

“im sorry, khanna” i thought to myself “but u told me not to tell u”. and then i cudnt help chuckling out loud.

“he he he … The Wiggle Room  … funny when ur own bright ideas turn on u, eh Supy?”

which was when i realised that i was in a room full of vaguely familiar-looking women, all of whom seemed none too pleased to see me and each carrying, for some reason, swords and spears, and on the wall was a large inscription.

“Funny Indeed, Atticus Dear”

uh oh.

You cant handle the truth

so here i am again after a 2 month hiatus. and yes, i know some of u have been heartbroken, inconsolably dejected and have wondered what the point of life is anymore and im sorry to have put u through all that, but it really couldn’t be helped.

because we live in a world that systematically crushes originality and brilliance, and where genius is rarely recognized in its own time, i have been desperately working my ass off, much to the dismay of the local ladies, who have expressed much concern over my waning tush – and who can blame them? – because a severe shortage of moolah, required to appease the gods of Rent, Groceries and Migration has forced me to submit to bonded labour at 3 distinct and separate Hellhole Slavepits, filled with screeching women, demonic children and large, man-shaped anuses.

in other words, i’ve been juggling 3 jobs and havent had the time to blog. and now, im still juggling 3 jobs, but what with all the little cretins going back to school and the grown up ones going back to work as of today, i dont have as much to do, which is why im happily sitting here at work and blogging. well not too happily cos my head is splitting 7 different ways, but im just happy theres no lines of 30,000 ppl waiting for the next ride.

so anyways, in summation, im back to blogging sporadically, but with smaller intervals inbetween posts ….. i hope.

——————–

ps. i always liked this following line from A Few Good Men mainly because of jack nicholson’s delivery, but now i know exactly what he meant and i think i might just start using it on any whiny, whinging customers.

“Take caution in your tone, Commander. I’m a fair guy, but this … fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy.”